April Brain Dump

I love this picture from Easter!

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I'm annoyed that people keep asking me about having more babies and laugh when I say I have a plan. My sister likes to give me a hard time about trying to "play God" by dictating when I'll get pregnant again. It assaults me left and right,  from women who were due when I was and now they're already pregnant with their second kid, people saying Shepherd needs a sibling. You know the drill. It is nothing new. Usually I don't care. All the time I hear women say the typical things women say, about strangers touching their bellies or touching their babies or whatever. None of that bothered me. This does though. I guess because we, meaning Bryan and I, are so, so incredibly far away from having our second baby. I honestly couldn't feel farther away from the idea. We have so much to get in order, so much on the horizon that it wouldn't be fair to us, to Shepherd and even to the baby to try to wrestle that in there.

Mostly, with each question and comment about the next baby, I feel it. The disappointment in my last pregnancy, the weight of failed breastfeeding. The huge crap pile that was my life in 2012 and 2013. I can't go back there. I can't revisit that. I can't have pre-eclampsia again and the longer I wait, the healthier I get, the better I learn to deal with stress and anxiety, the better of a chance I have at carrying the baby to full term. To experience birth and motherhood the way it should be. But we aren't ready yet, I'm not ready yet. I can't do it and I don't like the comments. I don't like the feels that come along with them.

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We went to a local Mexican restaurant on Shepherd's birthday and he loved playing in the fountain!

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I'm in the beginning stages of applying for a program that will enrich my knowledge of school business and help to push my career forward. For the past few years I've been in a holding pattern because I always thought this was a bridge job. I would use this job to bridge the gap until I became a stay at home mom. Since that isn't happening, I feel like I owe it to myself to dive deeper in my career so that I can move up as much as possible.

I definitely cannot say that my brain and heart have completely surrendered the idea of being a SAHM. It's been hard to adjust my thinking to this is what I'm doing for the long haul. With this program, there is no going back. Personally, I'm devastated. Giving up a dream is hard. Especially when that dream is so rooted to the core of you. At the same time, I'm not just giving up a deal. I'm pursuing a new one which is really scary. Hustling to meet goals and realize your dreams is not easy. It's not supposed to be or the payoff wouldn't be as sweet. I'm starting to get into deeper waters and I feel so out of my element. I'm ready for the challenge though. I think it's right.

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I am obsessed with the app Perfect365. I told my friend Denise about it and we constantly send each other selfies. I definitely think I should die my hair blue. Also.... I need lavender contacts STAT. How cool are they?!

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Bryan is so, so close to finishing his album. I can almost feel the energy in the air. The next few months are going to be a whirlwind and I could not explain why, but I feel like this moment in our lives is huge. It's going to propel us somewhere. I don't know where, I don't have any idea if it'll be a good place or bad one, but this step is going to take us somewhere unfamiliar. It's exciting, exhilarating and terrifying at once. I've convinced Bryan do to a little side project with it and I'm super stoked that he is on board. More on that soon!

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